I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
