I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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