nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
