so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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