Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
