you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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