The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
