Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
