yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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