Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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