I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
