I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
