We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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