So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
