if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
