mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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