i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
