is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
