me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They have beer where we have blood.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
