i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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