I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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