oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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