marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you had me at cake vodka
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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