Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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