Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
