Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
