I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
