So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
