dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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