I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
