he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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