Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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