When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
