hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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