i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
