so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
not ubering you a puppy
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
