You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
