if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
