I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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