you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
