Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
