Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
