Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
