I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Someone signed my nipple.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
