i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
