My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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