she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
