when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize