I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
