went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
