Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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