I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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