weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
