I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
