You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
