I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
