Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
