I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
