I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
