Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
