Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
