The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
