Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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