i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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