There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
