My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
