my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
