i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
