imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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